guess what?

...today i had the acid from a 9 volt battery leak all over my hand. yeah thanks for that.

i should have known i was doomed to a day of mishaps when before we even opened i was attacked by a swarm of diseased killer flies.

okay, so i'm going a bit over the top there. what really happened was i was working the produce and after i opened a box of bananas this really massive odd looking fly buzzed out of the box.
i've never seen anything like it before in my life - and so my imagination went into overdrive and in my head i had images of it being packed up in the carribbean especially for me to find.
i had this whole little scene playing in my head where, whilst being trapped in the box flying on the plane, the poor little fly was tapping on it over and over saying "aaagh! let me out! i'm claustraphobic!"

i was that engrossed in the story of the insect from del monte that i didn't even notice that we'd opened. rob ringing the bell was enough for me to snap out of my little coma and reality hit as soon as i served my first customer.
they were quite pleasant, actually...even if he told me i looked like i needed a strong coffee.
i couldn't tell if he meant because i looked drunk, or just tired. as it happened, i was just tired but wishing i was drunk once i served this bunch of carers.
honestly, i have serious doubts over the staff the care homes around here employ. i don't know if they are caring for sick people, or old people, or whatever...but we serve a lot of them, and the whole lot of them are the most miserable sacks of shit i've ever encounted.

i know their jobs are probably bloody depressing...but they don't even have that "aura of warmth" carers are all supposed to have. i've never even seen one of them smile.

the one that gets on my wick the most is the one who stands in the queue eating her food before she even buys it.
normally, that wouldn't bother me...but the first time i noticed her do it she was so arrogant that she was destined to forever be in my line of hatred. i'd never seen her before in my life (thank god) and was stunned when she came up to me, threw the empty wrapper at my scanner, wagged her finger in front of my face and launched into "before you mention anything, darling, i've been working for 16 hours straight and i'm hungry. so don't even bother mentioning it."

what the hell? do you think i really care? well, yes i do now actually. go choke.
and then i visualised the glorious moment in my head - her falling to the ground trying to cough up a slice of chicken.

anyway, since that day...everytime she comes in i've made it a little game of mine to watch her in the queue and try to make my eyes force a bit of her food down her wind pipe.


but yes, the carers. they're all so bloody rude and lifeless. just like the paramedics that come in. they're all bloody miserable and ice cold, too. especially the tall lanky woman that comes in. i'd hate to ever need eletric shock pads on my chest if she's around...she probably laughs manically everytime she has to do it whilst shocking her own chest soon afterwards. i swear she has bolts running through her neck. she's horrid.

anyway, i'm straying from the path somewhat...probably because this morning didn't really have much going for it. nothing really happened. at all.
i'd done all my morning jobs i always do and not only that but done it all before 7am! i know! what the hell was going on? no early morning crisis? no being stuck on the till for ages whilst the person on the main till dithered? no milk exploding randomly on the shelf? no bombs being discovered underneath the baskets?
even maizy was doing some work for a change...it was all madness. madness i tell you.
it was probably because rob was on the main till and he's a "no problems" kinda guy.
he stays on till all day, he keeps himself to himself and he only rings the bell when he absolutely has to. i like rob.

i even went on a break before 9am. that never happens. ever.
there is normally far too much to do, or thousands of people need serving, or a delivery needs taking in, or someone drinks car oil thinking it's coca cola and you have to shove their mouth under a tap...(okay, i made that one up...)

in fact, the only things that are worth mentioning from this morning are the constant mishaps i was having all morning and the fantastic deaf guy i served who thanked me in sign language and when i did it back to him, whilst mouthing "thank you" to him, he smiled at me and gave me the thumbs up.
he likes me because i always make an effort to interact with him. i feel for him because it must be awful living in a world with no sound (although for my friends, that would probably be a blessing when i'm around).
when i relayed the moment to rob he said to me "how did you know he was thanking you?" which i thought was a bit odd...i thought everyone knew how to say thank you in sign language. maybe i was wrong.

and as for the mishaps i was having...

my stupidity number 1: whilst filling up the coffee machine, i got the little tube stuck, and whilst pulling it unstuck then proceeded to let go of the tub the milk goes in and woops...down she goes, captain. all over the floor.

my stupidity number 2: i was making myself a well deserved coffee, but instead of being clever and pouring it into my cup...i turned around because maizy called me and poured the hot water all over the side instead, which then dripped down onto my shoes.

my stupidity number 3: throwing cardboard into the cage, i decided that i didn't want the heaviest one to go in the cage at all...no, i decided i would throw it in a particular way that it would bounce off the cage and onto my head instead.

my stupidity number 4: after i finished serving a customer, i shut my till...without moving my hand and nearly took a chunk out of my fingers.

my stupidity number 5: filling up the bread, i was obviously piling the ones on the top shelf a bit too high...i found this out when 4 loafs fell on my head at once.

...so you see, i'd obviously left my brain in bed. which, may i add, i really struggled to leave this morning. i could have cried when my alarm went off at 4am this morning. i could hear the rain battering against my window, and my bedroom was so very cold. it was awful, i literally slithered out of bed due to the fact my duvet was so lovely and warm i swear i microwaved it in my sleep.

anyway, back to today...after my break i had to go and take rob off the till for his break. i didn't mind, really...it was absolutely dead. i think it was due to the school holidays - no school run, no mothers coming in after dropping the kids off to school, no nothing.
just the usual few elderly people pottering about, and a few people here and there.
in fact, i loved just sitting on the till. the peace and quiet was lovely.
it became a bit TOO lovely, though...so i decided to work some of the cigarettes that had just come in off the delivery.
the thing with putting cigarettes out is that you have to have your back to the till and so you have to keep turning around to check there are no customers waiting. you do it so often that the people around you start to think you have a nervous twitch.

i was only on the till until rob finished his break and then he went back on there. it was duller than usual, because it was so dead i didn't even get yelled at once. how boring.
i did have two stand out moments, though...
the guy who bought tin foil, claimed he was about to smoke some heroin and told me - "if you're ever going to do jack up on some H, don't hit your veins too much otherwise they become too bruised to stick the needle in. okay?"

eh? why are you even telling me this? you're blatently buying the tin foil to wrap your packed lunch up...i don't find you even slightly hardcore. in fact, i find you more than slightly pathetic. now get out of my face.

after him was the slightly less ghetto elderly gentleman who wanted a top up but didn't know who for. or even why.

him - "do you do top up?"
me - "what, for your phone?"
him - "i think so. marge sent me in for it, you see."
me - "riiiight, well, yes we do. what network is it for?"
him - "aiy?"
me - "what network do you want?"
him - "no i want top up for marge's phone."
me - "i know that, but to top up a phone, i need to know what network its on."
him - "oh, it's for this..."
he then takes out a card from his coat, i take it from him hoping for this whole thing to start making sense but no...
me - "that's actually your liberary card."
him - "aiy?"
me - "the card you just gave me is for the liberary down the road."
him - "oh. right. well...can i have a top up for the telephone then instead?"

....kill me now.

so on and on this went...i actually think it went on for about 5 minutes, which is a hell of a long time to be stood at a till when all you wanted was a phone top up.
in the end, i told him to go and ask "marge" what network the phone was on (praying rob would be back by then)...and back him came. before rob did. and this time with (who i presumed to be) marge.

me - "oh, hello again..."
him - "which one was it you wanted again, woman?"
marge - "for my phone!"
me - "i think he means the network. which one did you want?"
him - "yes. the network. we need the network." (and i needed a noose by this point...)
marge - *sighing* "virgin!"
him - "virgin."
me - "okay, how much?"
him - "she wants virgin..."
marge - "i want virgin..." (at your time of life...?)
me - "yes, but how MUCH money do you want on it?"
marge - "oh. five pounds please."

WHAT?!?!? ALL OF THIS CHAOS FOR FIVE MEASLY POUNDS?

...so she gives me the phone card, i put it all through, and finally...it's all over.

honestly, the whole scene was totally ridiculous. it was like a comedy sketch. i seriously wonder how those two live their lives day to day. how they even get dressed in the morning.

shortly after that, rob was back...and i could get on with my day free from crazy old people trying to attack me with their liberary cards.

a few hours later, and i got the leaky battery and before you ask, no it wasn't marge coming back for seconds...it was actually quite a pretty girl who just happened to not be able to notice all that stuff oozing from the end of the battery.
she wanted to know "do you do these?" and dropped it into my hand.

yes, we do do those, thanks...i presume you want one that doesn't leak, though?


and that was the sum of my day today. nothing that shocking, nothing that eventful...i didn't even get a death threat for something terrible like having no coffee lids! or tic tacs!

delivery was late but we all mucked in and got it done quick, lunchtime wasn't as busy as usual, no-one really annoyed me, no-one called in sick and to top it all off...i went home on time!
all in all, i had a good (if a little calamity filled) shift.

sorry for the really boring entry...tomorrow i will be sure to tick people off enough to need several facial stitches before the day is out.

until next time xxx

P.S i think i'm in love.